Took a natutal sleep aid last night.
Now I slept over 8 hours and am still in a fog.
I am thinking on weather or not I should go back.
My men are on the plane now. I feel bad cause when I talked to them, Logan sounded cranky.
That is not good for the people flying.
We'll see when I pick them up tonight.
I don't think I will take this sleep aid again.
Guess I can't any way with Logan come home.
I get to relax for the rest of today, then tomorrow it's run around time.
My weight is still bleck. I can't seem to get back into that good groove. I keep saying as long as I can maintain until I get home, which makes me sad, but I know that it's the best I can do until I get there. Upon Arianna's passing I really had a set back, not so much by crying and what not, but I have def. been emotionally eating. I hope to have all of the weight gone by June and so we'll just have to see. I have go to get a grip on it.
For now I am just focusing on the time we have left
here in the states.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
I don't want to get out of my PJs..
First of all I forgot to mention that my Aunt's work gave Arianna a star. That's right our little star, has an actual star, in a constilation, in the sky. I was so shocked and amazed. They send you a certificate and a picture of where the star is. So, now we know she's shining down on us, especially at night. Thanks Wells Fargo!!
Second, I think about the fact that it is 10:18am.
I am still in my pajamas too.
I haven't done that in awhile to tell you the truth.
I always try to shower and get dress, put on my make-up so that I feel better weather I am venturing out the door or not.
But what the heck is wrong with a little PJ action?
Nothing I guess, but I hear a voice telling me to get ready..I think it's my Father's, haha!
Anyway, I feel like things are only going to get busier right before we leave and then def. after.
Tomorrow night I pick up my man and little man at the airport.
That's right motherhood ressumes tomorrow.
The break has been nice, but I do miss my baby boy - oh yeah and my husband too, haha!
On Friday, I have to vote in the early morning, if I don't want to be standing in line that is. I also, need to see if I can get Kahlua into the groomers, she smells and needs her nails clipped, and then we have an appointment with HS (again) so they can see Logan and close the file, at 1400.
Then Saturday I told my Dad that we'd have everything we don't need mailed off to our home in Germany. Yeah, that's three footlockers worth of stuff, so not look forward to finishing getting that together and dragging it to the post-office.
Sunday is full too, Sunday School, church, some leisure time, and then off to bible study. That's more than fine though, I more than need my Sundays with God!
Then within the next week I have various things to do, one to get all my paperwork into CTC so I can start classes on Nov. 24th. Since I will be an online student I am having to get my stuff in two weeks earlier, the deadline is the 10th and wouldn't you know it we get back to Germany on the 12th and no late registrations are accepted.
Obviously, the big thing, WE leave on November 12th from CO, back to Germany, YAY for 10 hour flights with 15 month olds, haha!
So, yeah, fun times getting everything done and in. But my husband is a good man, and we will take a trip for my bday, it's a week after my bday, but that's because we couldn't get my bday weekend, so we're heading down to the Munich area, a military resort, called Edelwiess. This will be what I deem our first family vacation and considering everything that has gone on this past year, I say that we need it - time to be a family and enjoy one another. It's so close to Austria, we may end up there at some point as well. I am very excited, traveling is something I love and I am ready to see Europe now. Though I feel like Ari should be here, I know she's looking down on us from heaven and with God will protect us, watch over us, and we will celebrate her wherever we go.
You were amazing.......sweetheart, I love you!
Second, I think about the fact that it is 10:18am.
I am still in my pajamas too.
I haven't done that in awhile to tell you the truth.
I always try to shower and get dress, put on my make-up so that I feel better weather I am venturing out the door or not.
But what the heck is wrong with a little PJ action?
Nothing I guess, but I hear a voice telling me to get ready..I think it's my Father's, haha!
Anyway, I feel like things are only going to get busier right before we leave and then def. after.
Tomorrow night I pick up my man and little man at the airport.
That's right motherhood ressumes tomorrow.
The break has been nice, but I do miss my baby boy - oh yeah and my husband too, haha!
On Friday, I have to vote in the early morning, if I don't want to be standing in line that is. I also, need to see if I can get Kahlua into the groomers, she smells and needs her nails clipped, and then we have an appointment with HS (again) so they can see Logan and close the file, at 1400.
Then Saturday I told my Dad that we'd have everything we don't need mailed off to our home in Germany. Yeah, that's three footlockers worth of stuff, so not look forward to finishing getting that together and dragging it to the post-office.
Sunday is full too, Sunday School, church, some leisure time, and then off to bible study. That's more than fine though, I more than need my Sundays with God!
Then within the next week I have various things to do, one to get all my paperwork into CTC so I can start classes on Nov. 24th. Since I will be an online student I am having to get my stuff in two weeks earlier, the deadline is the 10th and wouldn't you know it we get back to Germany on the 12th and no late registrations are accepted.
Obviously, the big thing, WE leave on November 12th from CO, back to Germany, YAY for 10 hour flights with 15 month olds, haha!
So, yeah, fun times getting everything done and in. But my husband is a good man, and we will take a trip for my bday, it's a week after my bday, but that's because we couldn't get my bday weekend, so we're heading down to the Munich area, a military resort, called Edelwiess. This will be what I deem our first family vacation and considering everything that has gone on this past year, I say that we need it - time to be a family and enjoy one another. It's so close to Austria, we may end up there at some point as well. I am very excited, traveling is something I love and I am ready to see Europe now. Though I feel like Ari should be here, I know she's looking down on us from heaven and with God will protect us, watch over us, and we will celebrate her wherever we go.
You were amazing.......sweetheart, I love you!
Kind words do not cost much. Yet they accomplish much.-Blaise Pascal
Well, I am up again way too early. 0345 today. It's always between 0300-0400 that I stir. I don't know why, now it's just a programming. I remember being in high school, during the week days it was 0530, but any day I wasn't in school anything before 0900 was terrible. I guess I can thank the dog for "thudding" to the ground for waking me. I am downstairs in the basement and you can hear EVERYTHING. I just don't know why that dog thinks she has to hop of, I mean, "Hello," we know you're there when A) WE hear YOU or B) WE find YOUR HAIR, on the couch in the morning, but I guess if she think being sneaky helps so be it - But Kahlua, seriously we know!
I did do my online devotion though. I also emailed who I needed to email today. I even did our budget to get us through until the 15th of November. This check is going to be nice..it's paying the bills, getting us home, and getting me to school - can't complain at all. I am not saying the Army or military life in general is easy, but at the same time I think where we'd be if Lance and I were married and not in the Army - I just can't see it. We live very comfortably for an almost 24 year old and a 28 year old. While deployments are never easy, I thank God for blessing our steps, especially with Lance's Army career and the fact that since 2006 he's actually got a job he loves to do.
Anyway, so I feel somewhat accomplished. Yesterday the roomed was finally all cleaned, but I am dreading having to send what we have home. We have three foot-lockers - plus each of us will have a carry-on and suitcase for the plane. This poof that we as people have way too much stuff. I am already giving away what we don't need to either the Salvation Army or friends, but still we're sending plenty home. Then my mind keeps wandering to all I will have to do when I get to my house, bleck, more stuff. But I do plan on a basement sale down stairs in our Apartment after I organize and seperate everything. So, I feel good - soon it will be done.
Then there's voting. My Dad sent me the link to my voter registration, so I looked and I can vote early up north here. So, I will be voting, in my second election on October 31st. I am very excited. Some people don't believe voting matters or that voting for your morals makes a difference, but I believe other wise. If everyone in the country said, "It doesn't matter," and only one person came out to vote, then guess what - THAT PERSON'S VOTE MATTERED. Anyway, enough about that, I know people are passionate about their politics..
It's almost 0515, I will probably call the boys in FL and then I am thinking more shut-eye sounds good...so this is me, for this morning at least........
Well, I am up again way too early. 0345 today. It's always between 0300-0400 that I stir. I don't know why, now it's just a programming. I remember being in high school, during the week days it was 0530, but any day I wasn't in school anything before 0900 was terrible. I guess I can thank the dog for "thudding" to the ground for waking me. I am downstairs in the basement and you can hear EVERYTHING. I just don't know why that dog thinks she has to hop of, I mean, "Hello," we know you're there when A) WE hear YOU or B) WE find YOUR HAIR, on the couch in the morning, but I guess if she think being sneaky helps so be it - But Kahlua, seriously we know!
I did do my online devotion though. I also emailed who I needed to email today. I even did our budget to get us through until the 15th of November. This check is going to be nice..it's paying the bills, getting us home, and getting me to school - can't complain at all. I am not saying the Army or military life in general is easy, but at the same time I think where we'd be if Lance and I were married and not in the Army - I just can't see it. We live very comfortably for an almost 24 year old and a 28 year old. While deployments are never easy, I thank God for blessing our steps, especially with Lance's Army career and the fact that since 2006 he's actually got a job he loves to do.
Anyway, so I feel somewhat accomplished. Yesterday the roomed was finally all cleaned, but I am dreading having to send what we have home. We have three foot-lockers - plus each of us will have a carry-on and suitcase for the plane. This poof that we as people have way too much stuff. I am already giving away what we don't need to either the Salvation Army or friends, but still we're sending plenty home. Then my mind keeps wandering to all I will have to do when I get to my house, bleck, more stuff. But I do plan on a basement sale down stairs in our Apartment after I organize and seperate everything. So, I feel good - soon it will be done.
Then there's voting. My Dad sent me the link to my voter registration, so I looked and I can vote early up north here. So, I will be voting, in my second election on October 31st. I am very excited. Some people don't believe voting matters or that voting for your morals makes a difference, but I believe other wise. If everyone in the country said, "It doesn't matter," and only one person came out to vote, then guess what - THAT PERSON'S VOTE MATTERED. Anyway, enough about that, I know people are passionate about their politics..
It's almost 0515, I will probably call the boys in FL and then I am thinking more shut-eye sounds good...so this is me, for this morning at least........
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Done!
They came, they went, it's over.
The woman from Human Services was really nice and really understanding and to be quiet fank, sorry that she had to ask us to re-hash our stories.
She took us into seperate rooms and asked us to tell our stories.
Same things as the detectives basically.
But again we were not under suspicion, my Grandmother and I, so it is OVER.
Now we just wait for the paperwork and determination.
WE may never know, but again, we're trusting in God and that he has our Ari in heaven with him.
The woman from Human Services was really nice and really understanding and to be quiet fank, sorry that she had to ask us to re-hash our stories.
She took us into seperate rooms and asked us to tell our stories.
Same things as the detectives basically.
But again we were not under suspicion, my Grandmother and I, so it is OVER.
Now we just wait for the paperwork and determination.
WE may never know, but again, we're trusting in God and that he has our Ari in heaven with him.
Well, it's TUESDAY.
I am dreading today somewhat.
Human Services is stopping by to finalize things.
I am praying it goes quickly.
I pray that it's just the end.
Tomrrow will be 2 weeks since Arianna's passing.
It's hard to believe.
I think about things a lot in the shower.
Today I was thinking about her tiny little face.
The devil keeps playing with my mind,
I have even thought that I would gladly have traded places with her.
I think about how innocent she was and the plans we had for her, Logan, well all of us.
Then I realize this is Satan trying to get me to lose sight of the promise, that God is with us and will take care of us no matter the situation.
And I do believe that.
So, after today, we'll be able to move on I think..or at least move on better.
Human Services is stopping by to finalize things.
I am praying it goes quickly.
I pray that it's just the end.
Tomrrow will be 2 weeks since Arianna's passing.
It's hard to believe.
I think about things a lot in the shower.
Today I was thinking about her tiny little face.
The devil keeps playing with my mind,
I have even thought that I would gladly have traded places with her.
I think about how innocent she was and the plans we had for her, Logan, well all of us.
Then I realize this is Satan trying to get me to lose sight of the promise, that God is with us and will take care of us no matter the situation.
And I do believe that.
So, after today, we'll be able to move on I think..or at least move on better.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Oh, the stuff to do..
Well upon reading my blog from yesterday, I realize that I need an editor. Ha-Ha. I apologize for the errors!
Anyhow, my dog, Kahlua, has her appointment for her health certificate on Nov. 3rd. If I do not get ahold of Fort Carson and get an appointment for then, I am going to have to go to Banfield pet hospital and pay $75 instead of the $10-12, I would have to pay at Fort Carson. I guess either way my dog will be going home and I should be thrilled about that, can you tell I am thrilled, Ha-Ha. I love her, but honestly, she's a Daddy's girl. Can you tell I am jealous? : )P
So, Kahlua is taken care of, now I need to deal with our room. I am constantly wondering how we gathered so much in here or how three people survive in one room. Our two bedroom apartment in Germany is looking really good right now, although I have lots to clean there too, once we get back. I know I'll be having a basement sale as soon as I've got it all seperated and organized. God has continually convicted me that we have to many material possessions, so I aim to get rid of what we don't wear, use or watch and hopefully that'll also get us some cash to help pay off our debt. Back to our room here in Colorado! It is let's just say a Type A's worst nightmare. I have to seperate what I need to mail home, give away, and or get to Goodwill, and also file all of the papers and paperwork that needs to go home with us. I am not dreading doing it, it's just that this laptop is entertaining me a lot this morning and I keep telling myself I have all day to do it, since for the first time in two weeks I am actaully completely alone......here's to getting a shower and getting it all done today!
Well okay, lots not forget the dog is here with me....again I say, Daddy's girl.
Anyhow, my dog, Kahlua, has her appointment for her health certificate on Nov. 3rd. If I do not get ahold of Fort Carson and get an appointment for then, I am going to have to go to Banfield pet hospital and pay $75 instead of the $10-12, I would have to pay at Fort Carson. I guess either way my dog will be going home and I should be thrilled about that, can you tell I am thrilled, Ha-Ha. I love her, but honestly, she's a Daddy's girl. Can you tell I am jealous? : )P
So, Kahlua is taken care of, now I need to deal with our room. I am constantly wondering how we gathered so much in here or how three people survive in one room. Our two bedroom apartment in Germany is looking really good right now, although I have lots to clean there too, once we get back. I know I'll be having a basement sale as soon as I've got it all seperated and organized. God has continually convicted me that we have to many material possessions, so I aim to get rid of what we don't wear, use or watch and hopefully that'll also get us some cash to help pay off our debt. Back to our room here in Colorado! It is let's just say a Type A's worst nightmare. I have to seperate what I need to mail home, give away, and or get to Goodwill, and also file all of the papers and paperwork that needs to go home with us. I am not dreading doing it, it's just that this laptop is entertaining me a lot this morning and I keep telling myself I have all day to do it, since for the first time in two weeks I am actaully completely alone......here's to getting a shower and getting it all done today!
Well okay, lots not forget the dog is here with me....again I say, Daddy's girl.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
So, maybe I'm PSYCHO.
Maybe I am psycho, but I am researching homeschooling. I am feel very strongly that I want to homeschool Logan (and my future children) at least until middle or high school depending on our situation and then he (they) would attend a Christian school - but I do not approve of public schools. I realize some people have to do what they have to do, but both Lance and I feel very strongly about being involved what our children are or will learn. Now here comes the really psycho part. I want to start small activities when we get home and keep adding until he's three when I would look at buying an actual school circ. Lance and I have talked and we've decided that when we get home, the bottles, all three of them, will be tossed out, and it will be sippy cups all the way, we will begin potty training, and working hard on his speaking and signing vocabulary. Obviously the last 8 months have been difficult with me being pregnant and then Arianna's passing. Logan is the average 14 month old, but I feel like I should and could be doing more. I don't want my son to suffer because I am tired, sad, or anything like that. I feel that if I focus on my school, I had better focus on his "schooling" or learning as well. Logan has a great interest in music and coloring, so I know I can use those - and just do a few basic things until we really start. So, maybe I am crazy, but I need not only Logan to learn, but I need lots to keep me going.
Ash
Ash
Sunday, the day of REST.
Sunday is the day of rest.
Or so it is written.
Maybe it's in my humanity, but on Sunday, I am not at home resting.
But it is interesting to note where we get our rest and what true rest is.
This is how my day looks, wake up, get showered and ready, eat breakfast, get to sunday school, and if I have Logan, get him to the nursery, then some chit-chat, make it to service. After that I usually drive home, we have lunch, and well I have a few hours of leisure time before I head to my evening bible study. Doesn't reading that just exhuast you?
Well, it may seem like a lot, but it's really refreshing for me.
I love going to sunday school and learning from my leader. Jay, is just an amazing teacher, it helps that he teaches at NBC (our bible college) and teaches as a professor. Sometimes we joke with him that he's too deep for the early morning, but honestly I thrive on being forced to go into the deep places of my heart.
And my Pastor well he's just one of the best. He really is a man of God and has a huge heart. So, going to the service is always a life lesson type thing.
That for me is rest. My head learns and my heart is touched.
Then of course fellowshiping, that speaks for itself. A women, let alone me, needs conversation and get-to-gethers.
Today was a more of the same. Everyone asked how I felt, and I answered how I could. I basically have really rough early mornings, mainly in the shower if you can believe it. But I am okay. Honestly, I am just taking it day by day.
Well I am off to join my leisure now...ha-ha...
God bless you all!
Or so it is written.
Maybe it's in my humanity, but on Sunday, I am not at home resting.
But it is interesting to note where we get our rest and what true rest is.
This is how my day looks, wake up, get showered and ready, eat breakfast, get to sunday school, and if I have Logan, get him to the nursery, then some chit-chat, make it to service. After that I usually drive home, we have lunch, and well I have a few hours of leisure time before I head to my evening bible study. Doesn't reading that just exhuast you?
Well, it may seem like a lot, but it's really refreshing for me.
I love going to sunday school and learning from my leader. Jay, is just an amazing teacher, it helps that he teaches at NBC (our bible college) and teaches as a professor. Sometimes we joke with him that he's too deep for the early morning, but honestly I thrive on being forced to go into the deep places of my heart.
And my Pastor well he's just one of the best. He really is a man of God and has a huge heart. So, going to the service is always a life lesson type thing.
That for me is rest. My head learns and my heart is touched.
Then of course fellowshiping, that speaks for itself. A women, let alone me, needs conversation and get-to-gethers.
Today was a more of the same. Everyone asked how I felt, and I answered how I could. I basically have really rough early mornings, mainly in the shower if you can believe it. But I am okay. Honestly, I am just taking it day by day.
Well I am off to join my leisure now...ha-ha...
God bless you all!
Saturday, October 25, 2008
On Tuesday this will ALL be over
The funeral was beautiful. That is all I can say about it. It was very comforting to hear my Pastor and other speak, I even mangaged to hold it together to speak. It's never something you can imagine doing, but it's done and it was beautiful. Now if I can just get past Tuesday. Human Services still apparently had to come, so our appointment is for 1600 on Tuesday. I don't have anything new to say, but I will tell them what I told the cops. I just thought it was over and yesterday they came by to talk with me about needing to meet. On all days of course, it was yesterday. So, just say prayers for me!! Lots of them.
In other news: My husband and my son are leaving for Florida this morning, like now at 0420. Yeah, glad I won't be on the plane this morning, ha-ha! I am a little sad I cannot go, but like I've said they need to see that side of the family. As a mother I cannot help but be happy about getting 5 days to myself, you know being able to go to the bathroom without an audience, being able to just walk off somewhere..it's not that I am complaining, but a moment to one's self is nice.
My bestfriend in the entire world is here too. So, today, Christina, Kelly and I plan to go do a lil' shopping. I might get a new pair of jeans and maybe a pair of shoes, but I really don't need to try ans figure out how to pack much more. Of course, packing up our insanity downstairs falls on me this week, so Friday the 31st we can get what we don't need in the mail. Fun times, ya know.
Well that's about it here, things are moving along.
I love you Arianna!
In other news: My husband and my son are leaving for Florida this morning, like now at 0420. Yeah, glad I won't be on the plane this morning, ha-ha! I am a little sad I cannot go, but like I've said they need to see that side of the family. As a mother I cannot help but be happy about getting 5 days to myself, you know being able to go to the bathroom without an audience, being able to just walk off somewhere..it's not that I am complaining, but a moment to one's self is nice.
My bestfriend in the entire world is here too. So, today, Christina, Kelly and I plan to go do a lil' shopping. I might get a new pair of jeans and maybe a pair of shoes, but I really don't need to try ans figure out how to pack much more. Of course, packing up our insanity downstairs falls on me this week, so Friday the 31st we can get what we don't need in the mail. Fun times, ya know.
Well that's about it here, things are moving along.
I love you Arianna!
Friday, October 24, 2008
Goodbye Arianna..
I woke up again atg 0415. I guess I am just programmed after being woke up by two children off and on for awhile. I woke up and realized this is the day, the day we will say,"Goodbye." Lance and I have been married 4 1/2 yrs. today as well. It just really seems strange that we're saying goodbye to our daughter. My bestfriend in the entire world, next to Lance of course, Christina, came in yesterday morning. In this strange way it felt good to be with her and yet we obviously knew it should be under better circumstances. Then my Dad and sister, Danielle, arrived last night. Due to circumstances they came in on two different flights - Lance and I picked Danielle up and then later my Dad came in, got a rental car, and came to get Danielle. It was midnight by then. So, you can imagine I was surprised by the fact that I still got up so early. But I suppose I just needed time to think. I confess I think too much, but I am not sure that'll ever change. I got Lance's clothes and my clothes ready, Logan spent the night with his Aunt and has his little suit ready to go too. I am not sure how I will react to the service today, but, again, I know God will give me strength. I will cry and he will know my sorrow. God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Hmm..The Day Before Goodbye..
So, I got up early again. I got on the computer, then went back for a snuggle with Lance and Logan. Then I sat on the bed and finished Arianna's memory book. Ari was such a cutie-pie. Perhaps I am bias, but hey she was! : ) It was hard to look at her though. Not sure why I would feel that way, but it was. I am just glad her book is done to honor her the way I know how and that's through scrapbooking. Then Lance helped my Mom clean. He is such a sweetheart for letting me be upstairs on the computer and talking to my bestfriend, Christina. Guess I owe him one, hee hee. So, today is a harder day, but I am still going - trusting in my heavenly Father to guide me.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
To the Future WE look!
It's hard, we are not promised tomorrow the Lord says and yet I keep looking forwards. Lance, Logan, Kahlua, and I will head back to Germany on November 12th now due to our circumstances and while I love my family, my friends, and all of the people I have met over the last 8 months, I am so ready for my own home, my own bed, my castle if you will. I am the Queen of somewhere and it's an apartment in Wiesbaden. While I am saying all of that I realize how disorginized everything is, what I will be returning to. I haven't seen my house since Feb. but I know it is just a mess. I have to go through Logan's clothes. The ones we left were small infant clothes and now he's in 12-18 months, my husband has more clothes than any soldier on the planet I think, and the kitchen and living room need re-organizing. I think the theme of my heart is "Fresh start," not that I will ever forget my daughter, Arianna, but we do have to go on for Logan as well as each other and I quiet frankly am keeper of my home and I take care of Lance and Logan. Anyway, I am looking forward to the challenge and to start a new year, a new. I think my biggest project will be the master bedroom. I def. think Lance and I will need a place to be able to talk and relax. Out of 4 1/2 yrs. of being married, about 1/2 has been apart. it is insane to me. Sometimes I think to myself, "I didn't get married, to be alone," but then again I am an Army Wife, and the call of duty to a degree comes before the family and if that is my duty as Lance's wife, then I will do it happily. Here's to redecorating!!
Hello.
My Sister-n-law, Carolyn, had a blog and so I thought it would be a great idea to start one of my own, that way everyone can check up on me and the family when they want to. I love writing so it shouldn't be hard for me to keep it updated. This past week has been very difficult with the passing of Arianna, but it has also shown me who is there for me and my family and how important communication is. As time goes on, I hope you enjoy what you read and I hope that in some small way it will bless you.
Love,
Ashley
Love,
Ashley
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